A Vampire and his 3 wives, a werewolf , Frankensteins' Monster and... Angel Gabriel, walk into a bar
- MegTheGhoul
- Sep 19, 2022
- 7 min read
Who is Van Helsing?
The character of Abraham Van Helsing originated from the mind of Bram Stoker in his gothic classic 'Dracula'. Published in 1897, the character of Van Helsing was presented as a man of many talents, which include:
Practicing medicine
Being a lawyer
Known as a philosopher
Having an interest in metaphysics
He is summoned by a former student known as John Seward, to investigate the strange happenings within the town of Whitby. I'm sure you are all aware of the story in one shape or form, but the focus in this blog is on the character of Van Helsing himself. Within the novel it becomes instantly clear that Van Helsing operates from a place of moral obligation; " I, too, have a duty to do, a duty to others, a duty to you, a duty to the dead; and, by God, I shall do it!", this is referring to Van Helsing wanting to behead a corpse ( out of context this does make him seem irrational, but the corpse will spring to life and cause mayhem very shortly). This overwhelming loyalty to the greater good is used to hold a mirror up to the evil that Dracula represents. Maybe if Dracula had a reflection, he could re-evaluate not only using a sheer bronzer to improve his complexion, but also his shitty behaviour. But I digress... Van Helsing emerged from this gothic classic a fan favourite; a champion against the darkness and with that comes the reimagination of his character throughout time.
The year was 2004...
Have you guessed where I'm going with this yet? Yes of course I'm talking about Stephen Sommers' magnum opus ' Van Helsing', starring no other than the beloved Hugh Jackman. I already know that 10 people have clicked off but they just aren't mature enough to handle all that this masterpiece has to offer... And it has A LOT to offer.
The story follows Van Helsing, but not as we know him. Instead of a well-educated gentleman who is welcomed with open arms into struggling communities; our protagonist is a vigilante type who has no recollection of his past after being yeeted on the steps of a Church. After this traumatic event, he is manipulated (in my humble opinion) to become a hitman of sorts for the Church, but his focus is on creatures that ignore the laws of nature. The Church, in return provides him with not only food and shelter but a very dodgy promise that God will restore his memory if he just kills a few abominations on the side. Van Helsing is ultimately tasked to travel to Transylvania to help the Valerious family defeat Dracula, for the family to find peace.
Many bumps in the road are present for Van Helsing as he deals with more than he bargained for. We are talking werewolves, suspicious villagers, vampire babies (more on them later) and a whole bunch of beautiful women. Both the alive and the undead kind. The film leans into you just when you think you have seen it all and gently whispers in your ear " Bitch, you thought", before gracing you with another disgusting creature to sink your teeth into. If you're looking for a full plot run down, then this isn't the blog for you. I want to leave some mystery like Van Helsing himself, with the hope that I may tempt you enough to dive headfirst into this whirl wind of Hammer Horror monster chaos.
This is going to require buckets of trust and faith in me from your end, so here is some reassurance...
Four very quick and matter of fact reasons to watch this film :
The sad thing is I'm not even joking, seeing these women at 4 years old taught me more than I have time to unpack right now.
In all seriousness, this film isn't as bad as the film bro's make it out to be. I'm here to give you the confidence to dare to enjoy this wild ride of a film and enjoy it for everything it is, but also for everything it's not.
Bad news first...
I know what you're thinking; and I can hear you shouting it through the screen right now...
" bUt ThE CGI iS So BAd"
Congratulations, you have eyes! We all know that the CGI is jarring to say the least, and there is a lot of it, just to add insult to injury. But we aren't here to watch this film because of the amazing effects post filming. If that is something that you look for in your cinema, fair enough, but if that is the make or break of your enjoyment then my heart bleeds for you because of all the fun you're missing out on.
Some may even say that the acting is cringey, which it is.
Or that the script is awful! Once again, that is very valid.
My aim here is to try and show you how these can amplify the charm and character that goes along with this rendition of Van Helsing. It is true that a film can have so much wrong with it that it actually starts to become, if I dare say, intriguing.
Here is just one example of the fun you can have at the expense of this film:
A simple game of spot the difference! I challenge you to look out for the Eiffel tower whilst Van Helsing is hunting Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde during the year 1888.
When you first spot it, the tower is half built, which is historically accurate to the progress of the construction around this time. However, all those brownie points quickly evaporate when you notice the tower has been miraculously built within the time of one fight scene. I have a suspicious feeling that if this information falls into the hands of conspiracy theorists, then we will have new 'proof' of Aliens building the worlds' most famous constructions.
Disclaimer: Whilst I encourage you to watch and enjoy this masterpiece, please remember it is fiction.
I apologise to all who view this as obvious and it's better safe than sorry; especially with the pioneering CGI demonstrated throughout this cinematic experience.
What can be better than the flash building the Eiffel tower?
I'm so glad you asked! Now I can talk from my still beating heart about the genuine triumphs of this film. I will even make a list for you...
1. An incredible werewolf transformation- The werewolf transformations we have seen in the past have focused in on the hair sprouting from the skin. This is a horrifying thought (especially for the hairless women in Veet adverts), but something was always missing for me. Sommers unveiled the inspiration behind how he wanted his werewolf to transform, which was the idea of " the beast within" escaping its' human confinement. It seems like an obvious cliche, but something about a man clawing at his flesh to reveal a horrific monster hidden below the surface does excite me. Through my teenage years I did suffer from hormonal acne and often wished I could rip my skin off, so there may be some projection on my part. Also, to not only tear away at your own flesh like you're furiously peeling sunburn; but to slide up a wall whilst doing it... Impressive.
2. The costume department understood the assignment- Dracula's brides in this film will always be one of my favourite costume designs to my dying day. The way the material glides through the air and creates an almost ghostly quality to the fabric that I adore. The attention to detail that is given to each bride to make each costume unique to them whilst also working as a unit is just underappreciated. The ball gown that Princess Anna wears during the masquerade is delightful. Blood red and perfectly elegant, paired with her hair up to execute her decolletage is every girl’s ideal vampire ball attire. Van Helsing himself giving 'gunslinger' energy is such a fun visual interpretation of him, and it adds to the mystery of his character. Honestly if you're struggling for Halloween costume inspiration this year, just sit back and stick Van Helsing on. If you're not making spooky Pinterest boards by the end of it, you can hold me personally accountable.
SHOUT OUT: Gabriella Pescucci as head costume designer and Carlo Poggioli as second in command.
3. Vampire Babies- If you're like me and read a lot of vampire tales then you have probably fell down this rabbit hole before. Can two vampires have a baby? Would it be different from a human being turned into a vampire? If you get turned into a vampire, is that vampire your new parent? Well, we can all rest, because 2004 Van Helsing puts all the rumours to bed. In this cinematic universe they can have little Demon spawns! They look like slimy gargoyles and hatch from an egg that contains (what I can only assume) is a snot green embryotic sac. How fun! But they are born dead, which makes sense due to their parents being walking corpses, however there is no need to worry as a little bit of electricity harvested from your local Frankenstein's Monster should do the trick. As I'm typing this, I understand how insane and farfetched this idea is, but it's just so fun that I can't bring myself to be mad at it.
My Final Argument...
I feel as though I'm defending a charming criminal in court who clearly did the crime, but we just love them too much to lock them away.
Although at first glance it may be difficult to see the hard work that has gone into the making of this film, but if you look past the horrific CGI, you might find something you genuinely enjoy. I think a testament to the thought process behind this work of art is the fact Sommers released an animated short film to accompany the live action Van Helsing. Known as 'Van Helsing: The London Assignment', we get to learn more about the history of this Van Helsing and his motivations. So, if you really can't look past the CGI then we may be able to meet in the middle in the realm of animation.
I'm not saying that this is cinema at its' best or that 2004s Van Helsing is for everyone. But, if you have been put off watching this film due to IMDb scores and Rotten Tomatoes percentages, please give it a chance!
Halloween season is here for a lot of us; and if you're looking for a cheesy film to watch during your usual spinechilling spooky season classics, then don't turn a blind eye to this one.
I am 100% biased but if you do hate this film, I will assume you're the type to hound your mate over 20p they borrowed for the bus 5 years ago.
Happy spooky season everyone and Happy Haunting!
Useful Links :
Where to watch Van Helsing
Van helsing: The London Assignment
Bram Stokers' Dracula
Gabriella Pescucci IMDb
Carlo Poggioli IMDb
Another brilliant blog, loved it!!!